Baby Fever.

Photo From:sidebysideblog.blogspot.com

Ok. So I have Baby Fever really bad. And I know I can't have a baby yet, so this blog post is a way to let it out and get over it. Or at least help. :D

Step one. I am confessing! I have had this secret obsession for quite a while and it's only getting worse. I have even outright denied it when Jordon teased me about my favorite names list he found on my laptop. Maybe if I tell him I am baby crazy he will help me get over it. And writing it here may help as well. 

To be honest I started having slight baby fever probably like a year ago. Since then it comes and goes. But for the past probably two months I have had it really bad. Definitely more potent than ever. The prospect of getting married and the realization that I would actually be able to have one probably got it started. And then after I actually was married it got worse. THEN my sister-in-law announced that she is pregnant with Jordon and my first niece/nephew and that probably had the biggest impact. I can't describe how excited I am for this baby, and how much it makes me want my own. 

I see pregnant women and babies everywhere. My new ward is full of them. And I stare as I walk past baby departments in stores. I dream about being a mother all the time. Usually it's a girl, just big enough to sit up. And often times I am being very protective of her. 

But as much as I really want to be a mommy I also know I really DON'T want it. And here's why. Step two of getting over baby fever: talk about why I don't want it.

#1 To be a good mother I have to learn to be a good wife first, and although I am starting to get used to it I haven't gotten the hang of it yet. If I want someone to take care of a husband definitely works. Although that provides a more annoyed than satisfied feeling. And maybe I would feel that way about a baby as well.

#2 I am still a newlywed. This part of my life will never happen again. I want to enjoy it all the way before a child takes it away from us. I love being a family of two. Just me and my boy in our peaceful apartment. <3

#3 I don't even get how insurance works yet, or how to go about figuring out my student loans. I definitely am not ready to handle worrying about all those hospital bills and baby care fees. And although I think we would be able to handle it, I am still learning how to keep the grocery bill at a reasonable number with a husband who thinks money is made to be spent and not saved.

#4 I am not physically ready for it. I don't exercise, and I want to be more active and fit before I get pregnant. I know that I would be able to get back in shape pretty well, but I am still not ready for those kinds of body changes. I fear stretch marks, and changed shoe sizing, and a belly pouch. I don't want to share my body with an infant. And I don't want to go through the work of birthing one either.

#5 I am not mentally or emotionally ready for it. The very idea of pregnancy freaks me out in a way that I can't handle quite yet. I don't feel mature enough to be a mom and make decisions that will affect the health and well-being of a child that is my responsibility. I am not ready to give up what I am now and become also a mother. That can never be undone. I don't trust doctors, especially around here. I am very private, careful, and concerned about my body and it's care. I think birth and pregnancy have been made too medical when they should be more natural, but I am not brave enough to either do things differently or to get over it. Some days I am overwhelmed just by having to do the dishes, cook dinner, and fold laundry. And although I like the idea of being a young mother, I feel too young to be a mother. 

#6 And very importantly: Although I know he would be a great father, Jordon does not think so, is not ready to be, and does not want to be ready to be a dad. I kind of wonder if I could coax him into it. . . . I know he likes babies, and honestly he mentions them quite often, and will occasionally change his set baby name choices. (He only ever has one or two favorites, while I have like ten). I can see him becoming connected with Future Baby when he chooses a name for her. But although I could probably/maybe get him to do it, it wouldn't be fair to him. Not yet.

So those are my reasons not to have a baby. And they seem pretty persuasive for me. Step three I think should probably be to find a friend or relative with a baby and do a little babysitting. Also I think I should just let myself obsess, read pregnancy blogs, research the best pregnancy and baby care books, and add to my Pinterest "baby" board. Maybe it will help satisfy the hunger or burn it out.

So yeah I am crazy. Go ahead and think so, I don't mind. 

Women, what are your baby fever experiences? Am I weird?

As of now. I still really want a baby!